Meditating in the Forest (Part 3 of 6)

But I was a beginner. I had to get with simple things, consciously disciplining my carnal actions to do them harmless, uncomplicated, consistent, and untainted. And I had to maintain an oculus on my speech; I really had to work on it so that it would be helpful, agreeable, honest, not bothersome. At the same time, I had to try to maintain my head happy, pure, controlled, silent, and balanced. Wow, it was hard-and-fast discipline, but necessary Iodine discovered, until I could progress to the point where World began rising within me. Then I was certain things would be easier. Then I would go the look of these virtuousnesses naturally, with no attempt or restraints whatsoever. Or so I hoped.

I was acute to get this preparation and thankful for the adversities over the last two old age that prepared me for this new phase in my quest. I was also funny regarding what else was involved in this hard-and-fast codification of ethics.

The monk regulations created a peaceful environment, a construction of sameness and mundane life, and my speculation couldn't assist but improve. Problems regarding my pattern remained, however, and I was forced to number my breaths in order to maintain ideas away. My head was far too cleaver for just regular counting, quickly learning to believe and count at the same time. Then I tried counting backwards. After exhaling, I counted 100 and on the adjacent out breath I counted 99, until I reached "I" but this still did not deter the thoughts. Finally, I had to utilize a numeration technique so complicated it would have got delighted a mathematician: (122123321234432123321)!

I was forced to execute this Byzantine process for at least an hr before my untrained head would at last settle down down long adequate to make anapanasati; or concentrate on the feeling of my breath touching the interior of my nose. I had incredible trials and trials with my unusually active mind, even in the confines of this peaceful forest. The exhilaration of traveling around the human race lingered for some time, and had its drawbacks when it came to settling the mind.

I attempted to watch carefully the many feelings and emotions that came up during meditation, feelings and emotions that reflected elusive degrees of not only doubt, but animal desires, laziness, restlessness and irritations as well. At times, I would not experience like sitting and preferable to travel to kip or make something else, feeling fidgety and tired, and wondering whether speculation was deserving it. At other times, my sitting place would go painful, I would desire to move, and if I continued to defy moving, the hurting eventually turned into anger. Surprisingly, I was able to see most of these elusive feelings only as arising and passing phenomena, and stay sitting, realizing that these are the exact feelings that I faced every twenty-four hours in life whenever things became painful.

I experienced many cherished minutes in Kingdom Of Thailand where fearfulness could not happen me, minutes during which everything in this beautiful wood was perfect. Tomorrow, there might be fear, but so be it; that minute would be perfect as well, because I learned that wherever I was - that is exactly where I must be.

I would inquire myself; why couldn't I decease right now, to my desires and ambitions, my concerns and fears? Could I allow travel of memories, security, and self-identity, coming up empty; dying to everything I was familiar with without fearing tomorrow? Without dying to these things, how would I ever free myself to experience existent love, not fond regard or lust, but existent unconditional, cosmopolitan love . . . existent unconditional truth - Reality?

No, I wasn't ready to decease just yet, but I was determined not to allow my bemused head endlessly steal these cherished minutes and throw me captive in my past and future. I knew that the minute would someday be my legacy, my true beingness of unbridled freedom and love. I instinctively understood that lone the mystical minute was completely alive, unknown, and immeasurable, beyond capture, a totally embracing Reality.

I was convinced that it reflected my true nature, which could lone be timeless, and that it must be as huge as eternity, and the only topographic point where I could ever be truly defined. If lone Iodine could actually step into that minute and stay there, then my full beingness would be unquestionably transformed, moved supernaturally from selfish fearfulness into all-encompassing love. Then I would know, without knowing, that everything is perfect, just as it is. And I understood something else - I discovered our Fourth Freedom! I now understood that serious, dedicated speculation is required to achieve enlightenment.